Truth Is…

Dear diary,

Truth is I’m tired of being locked down, and trapped and stuck in place. I miss the beach and joy rides and nights out and hugging. I miss my family and my friends. Jumping up at the last minute and deciding to meet up.

Truth is I miss the job that I complained about and often didn’t want to go to. I miss the coworkers I teased, the guests that annoyed me. I miss deciding to go to church on a Sunday that I was off from work. I miss the smell of the incense and “O, Jesu, Blessed Lord to Thee”.

Truth is I took my regular, basic life for granted. I thought that, for the most part, it would all be here. Not even in my wildest dreams that I could I imagine this, losing all of the things that comprise living, in an effort to preserve life.

Truth is, I’m terrified. I don’t know what tomorrow holds. I don’t know where death lies, for me nor for my loved ones. I don’t see the end. I don’t understand HOW it will end. Will things go back to normal? Will everything change? Will all of us make it? Will I even have a job in a month?

Truth is this is one of the best, yet worst moments of my life. I am spending time with both my lover and the kid that I did not foresee happening. For that reason, I will continue to look on the bright side, cause I’ve seen the darkness and it sends My anxiety into overdrive-and often find myself overwhelmed. I will think and speak light and love because I know many of you are feeling the same way.

“Ye, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” Psalms 23:4

The Beginning of the Descent

Dear diary,

The walls of the apartment are moving in on me. I can feel it. They want to crush me and release me from this beer-less existence.

Today, just as the walls were about to collapse around me, I went for a jog. A JOG! I haven’t run since 2018 before I got pregnant. My legs did this deep intense itching thing it does when I go for a run after a long time. I think it’s my body’s not so subtle way of asking me “bitch, wtf are you doing?”

All of the things I’d like to do are outside. I’m tired of Netflix, the kid won’t let me sit long enough to read. Yesterday I got so desperate, I started to clean. I scrubbed walls and mopped floors and Dear Lord, what is happening to me!?

*Wails loudly*

You know what, I amend that, I want to go outside but like to bars and restaurants and the beach. Ya know, fun shit. Not just to sit on the porch and watch the dozens of cars whose drivers are obviously going grocery shopping or getting gas.

No, I want real life shit. To go to work and complain about my job, then to come home and tweet about how I’m sad I have to go to work tomorrow. I was not prepared to just sit home everyday. Without beach. Without beer. Without boats.

I’m going crazy! Send help! And more importantly, send beers!

Peace

Today, I’ve been feeling a peace that I have not felt for months. Today I feel the welcome absence of anxiety that often left me breathless and hopeless. Sometimes as humans the best thing we can do is to understand that we have absolutely no control over certain situations and turn it over to God. Just to cast all of our cares on him can bring us peace in the midst of the worst storms in our lives. 
Even though for the last few weeks I kept claiming that I handed control of my situation over to God, I still found myself looking for ways to fix it or to understand it or to get over it. It wasn’t until I really let go that I experience the peace that passeth all understanding. 
Anxiety can often be crippling. I could think of nothing else but my heart racing and my head pounding and trying to figure out what my future would be. How will I make it. But I’m no longer worried because I’m trusting God to work things out for my good. Though I can not see the outcome now, I don’t know which way my life will go, I just know that he’ll work it all out in my favor.