For Posterity

Today is February 1st, 2018. Welcome humans, we have made it across the desert into the promised land!

We have gotten over the profusely annoying, and slow moving mammoth that was the month of January. There seemed to just be plenty of everything negative. A lot of death, a lot of drama, a lot of scandals, a lot of stress and a lot of days.

In 3 years when I am reading this blog post I just want to be reminded of just how long January 2018 felt.

There were  5 Mondays and 31 days in January the month was so long that the moon was blue. It seemed that no matter how far into next week you look there was always more January to go. Initially I thought it was only me that felt the dragging ass presence of this month. I am so glad to see it go.

Honestly, if this is the month that is setting the tone for the rest of the year I am already over 2018. If January was a trial month I wanna cancel my subscription. There was so much drama and scandal and ugh. Dear Lord, please let the rest of 2018 be great.


via Daily Prompt: Profuse


I have to end this year with a little mini post.

To my friends and family, please know I love you all so very much.

To my Drama Girls especially, you beautiful women took me in when I was homeless, took me out when I was bored and sad, you gave me hope when I was in despair, you made me laugh when I thought nothing would ever be funny again. You ladies went above and beyond the call of friendship this year and without even knowing it you guys really gave me something to live for. I can never say thank you enough for saving my life this year.

To my husband and BFF , Eric. Happy 8th Anniversary, I will love you always. We didn’t make it, but here we are. This has been one of the hardest years of my life. The first seven months of this year seemed like pure hell. However, thank you for making the last four months of this year beautiful. Thank you for showing me how to forgive and how to be forgiven. Thank you so much for being an incredible friend to me even when we were no longer lovers. So many excruciating lessons I learned this year because of this relationship. You forced me to see me in ways I never would have otherwise. They were hard lessons but I know that they were necessary. I wish you nothing but health, peace, love and long life in 2018.

I do leave this year feeling triumphant. Though many things failed I have really grown as a whole ass human being. Things I never thought I could do, I was forced into and still excelled. This year showed me the tenacity of the human spirit I was broken into so many pieces and although I will never be Ajay circa 2015, I believe that all things have worked for my good.

Happy New Year to my true few. Thank you all so very much for all that you have given to me and all that you have been to me this year. Happy 2018!!

Do It Afraid

What I’m learning about life is that fear is gonna be a huge part of it. Fear of failure, fear of what other people will think, fear of not living up to your potential, fear of spiders.

One thing that traveling has taught me is that I’ve got to learn to navigate life despite fear. I’ve got to take that next step and go on the next adventure despite the anxiety and the not knowing. Going to strange new countries where I don’t even speak the language, where I don’t know a single other person. And that’s part of the allure isn’t it? The unknown.

I am currently watching “The Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers” and this quote by Samwise Gamgee to Frodo Baggins always sticks with me:

“I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding on to something.”

The prevailing thought for 2017 has been, “Even darkness must pass”. There were some horribly dark times. Times when I really wasn’t sure how I would make it, or even if I wanted to make it. But here I am, at the end of the most difficult and trying year of my life, full of hope and faith and forgiveness. To even just think about my mindset in January compared to now. Whew, what a difference a year makes and a change in perspective.

I am still afraid. Afraid to move on. Afraid of what the new year will bring. Afraid of the future in general., but there is no turning back, I know that I will be just fine no matter what happens.

To all my people in the struggle, hold on.


“But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come.”

Dear Kaelan

Wow, I can’t believe you’re 18 already. It seemed like such a short time ago your mom was pregnant with you. I must admit that I loved you from the second I knew that you were coming. I would talk to you all the time. We would all be very excited to feel you kick and move.

I remember the night your mom’s water broke, weeks early (you were supposed to be born in January) but you were impatient. You were born around 8:00pm on this day, a full 18 years ago and you have changed all our worlds. I must admit that I wanted twins before I met you (could you even imagine?)

Because of your impatience, you had really bad asthma for the first year of your life. Spending at least a few days each month in the hospital. As a matter of fact, you spent your first birthday in the hospital. We were so sad to leave you in there, crying with your “Happy 1st Birthday” balloon hanging over your hospital crib. We all cried with you that day. I’m so glad that that was the last time that you ever had to spend a night at the hospital. Your asthma just went away.

I will never forget the times babysitting you when you mom had to go to work at the ass crack of dawn. And you and your fat little one year old hands would poke me in my eye to wake me up.

You had such a strong will. Always mischievous and insisting on your own way and getting into everything you could reach. You are so much like me, no wonder you drove everyone nuts!

I am proud of the man that you have grown into. I am proud that you are smart and interesting and you possess a beautiful soul. You turned out to be this great looking human with thoughts and ideas and hopes and dreams all of your own.

As you embark on your future, Black King, don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Don’t be afraid to love and to get your heart broken. Try new, weird and exciting things. Never conform and try to be someone or something you are not, because you are light and love and joy.

Ok, this is long and sappy and I must admit to shedding more than a few tears typing this out. But never forget that I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. Don’t ever be afraid to call me for anything whether it’s relationship advice, if your mom is pissing you off (cause I know she’s good for it), if you have an English paper you need me to edit or if you need me to send you bail money. I am always here for you. Continue to do great things, to forge your own path, to be weird and different and totally amazing.

Happy 18th Birthday Kaelan Kemaal [redacted] Bain!!

Hurricane Irma Chronicles: What About the Beach?

I am a beach bum. Most weekends you can find me lounging in a two piece on a beach or on a boat headed to a beach on a nearby cay. After Irma passed, I was really concerned about the impact on two of my favorite beaches, Long Bay Beach and of course Grace Bay Beach.

For those of you who know me, I have plans on scattering my ashes between these two beaches when I die. I love them, I know them. They bring me extraordinary joy and clarity. The beach is truly my happy place.

So last Saturday we (Tatiana, McKnia and I) took a ride out to see these beaches. From the time that we pulled up to the parking at Long Bay Beach (aka Shore Club Beach) we could smell distinctly the flesh of rotting fish. Immediately my heart sank, I know it would not look good. I was not prepared for what Irma had done to my beloved beach!


The water was definitely murky. You couldn’t even see the bottom. The normally calm ocean was still enraged and choppy and the beach itself was a mess. A ton of seaweed was dumped on the beach and dozens of fish were just rotting on the beach. We came across many of what Tatiana calls “Cow fish”. It seems as if a school or two of those got caught up in the storm and were washed ashore. There were also larger fish like barracudas, bone fish and even several eels and puffer fish.


There was already a tractor out there clearing the beach of the seaweed, however there was some rock showing beneath the seaweed so I know there has been some serious erosion. It really did break my heart to see my Long Bay beach in this state, but I know that in time the beach will come back.

On a much happier note, Grace Bay Beach was particularly glorious. The beach itself was clean and pristine as if it had gotten a good wash. There was virtually no debris on the beach, no dead fish or seaweed and the water was calm. The ocean itself was murky, you could not see the bottom, but the color and the optics were amazing. The reef that protect Grace Bay Beach really pulled double duty, because it remained virtually unscathed.

For all of you who are wondering how our beloved Grace Bay Beach fared, don’t worry. She is as beautiful as ever. 


Hurricane Irma Chronicles: As You Were

In the eye of tragedy, one of the things that is recommended is a return to normalcy as soon as possible. The aftermath of a catastrophic storm it is no different, residents attempt to follow their previous routine as soon as they are able.

Some churches were open for worship and thanksgiving on Sunday morning. St. Monica’s Anglican Church suffered damage to its structure and mild flooding. However, the rector Father Tellison Glover held service, even though he himself, lost his home during the storm. Worshippers turned up in some cases with flip flops and athletic clothing, grateful that despite the forecast of devastation, the Beautiful by Nature Turks and Caicos Islands were largely spared the worst.

A parishioner gives thanks to God for sparing her life after Category 5 Hurricane Irma
St. Monica’s Church following Hurricane Irma
Father Tellison Glover delivers a sermon at St. Monica’s Anglican Church

Stores begin to open, in this case Graceway IGA lead the charge, as they opened up just two days after the store giving free coffee and a place to charge electronics to patrons. Even with limited hours of operation the return to the routine is always welcome.

Starting Monday, people started returning to work. Clean up crews were on the street clearing debris. Fortis TCI cleared downed power lines and felled poles. They have even been restoring power to some communities. Provo Water Company has also began restoring water to residents full time and not only for 3 hours a day.

Fortis TCI clearing downed power lines and poles and restoring power

For all of my people who have lost your homes and are awaiting word on the status of your jobs, my thoughts and prayers are with you always. As a hurricane veteran, the rebuilding process is difficult, but it is not impossible. Soon things will be back to normal and we will be able to move on from this horrible time.

Hurricane Irma- Turks and Caicos Islands Chronicles

I took my first shower in 2 days a while ago. The water was cold and the pressure was low and it was the most glorious shower I’ve ever had in my entire life. I must admit that I was close to tears when I saw the water flow from the faucet.

See this is the hard part. It’s not the strong winds and storm surge and media sensationalism that’s hard. It’s the aftermath, not being able to call or see your mother in two days because phone lines are down, roads are flooded and poles make the way impassable.

The First Sunrise after Irma

It’s living in darkness for sometimes weeks on end because your power is out. It is learning to effectively take a bath in a gallon of water because water for showers are on ration. It’s eating cold food and drinking hot beverages cause again, electricity.

There are still parts of Providenciales that are unable to be reached via phone. There are still islands like South Caicos and Grand Turk where there have been mostly wild rumors and hyperbole about the damage to the islands where communication has gone dark.

I’ve been through this part many times before and one thing always constant. The will of the people to rebuild, to restore. Some of my friends are now homeless, others have lost their jobs because of the extensive damage to their workplace, the most unfortunate have lost both home and job.

We are down, but not out.

Pray for Turks and Caicos and pray for the other islands of the Caribbean who have been visited by this terrible storm.