As far back as I can remember you were there for me to comfort me, to make me happy, to keep me company when my sister thought she was too old to play dolls with me. I remember creating some of my happiest memories and finding my most favorite people and places in your arms. I craved the feel and smell I laughed when you laughed and cried when you cried, I was afraid and angry and excited all at your whim. I really thought that our love would transcend time and space, but I was wrong.
I took you too seriously, I was forced to think about you on levels that, quite frankly, I wish not to. I was made to take apart your layers, to undress you and assign traits to you that I don’t find particularly enjoyable, nor meaningful, and I am not especially good at. I took you too literally when in fact you should be all metaphors and allusions and other things that makes me cringe to think about now. Maybe that time you made me laugh it would have been more appropriate to cry, or shout in outrage or some other such nonsense. Just maybe when you spoke of your love for birds it was really about Jesus or that one time your mother sang to you before bedtime and not about birds at all.
I love you, more than almost anything else in the world. You brought so much meaning to my tiny, limited world, you took me to places and times that I could never hope to get to without you. You taught me things I would never learn otherwise, things I would not even know that I didn’t know. For that, for changing me, for letting me live through you, I will remain eternally grateful and indebted to you.
However, as of late, you have brought me nothing but anxiety when I even think about you. Instead of the joy, ecstasy and longing I once had when we were together, I get nervous and feel my heart race. And it is not because of some new story you are telling me. The very thought of you now incites dread. This has become to difficult. You are not a thing to be trifled with casually, this relationship has lost its ease. Being with you has become a an insidious task. I can’t take you at your word, I can’t trust your lines. I have to examine you for double and triple meaning and it leaves me wondering if this whole thing has been a lie. No longer do I find you to be a safe haven, you are no longer my refuge and my solace but instead you have been turned into the very thing that my nightmares are made of.
I love you so much, but this relationship is not working out. We were not meant to engage in this type of affair. This is what I get for allowing my sweetheart to assume the role as husband. You have become difficult and often unexciting. Getting to know you on this level has not made me happy, it has not made me excited, it has filled me with dread and I fear, that progressing in this way will make me despise you.You, my first love, my happiness, my sadness, my outrage, my adventure, my comfort, my once best friend. We were better then, when things were casual and easy.
I will not mourn you, but instead I will love you in my own way. I will love you unaffected by how other people think I should love you. I may not scrutinize you closely, nor may I see a million alternate meanings in your eyes but I promise I will someday find enjoyment in you again. And to do this we must part ways.
You will forever hold a special place in my heart and I hope that we can become the great friends we once were before all of this happened!
With fondest memories