Over the past few days I have been battling my inner ah…demons, so to speak. I have, in true brat fashion thrown in the towel, or atleast put it down for a while. Those closest to me would know the struggles that I have been facing as this pageant draws ever closer.
Yeah yeah, it is only a beauty pageant some may say, but the winner goes on to be an ambassador for this country in a worldwide platform, the Miss Universe pageant. Then I would really be on the forefront in curbing the worldwide AIDS pandemic, I’ll be able to do something to help treat and educate the masses.
I have stated that I don’t want to win and I am no longer interested, but I sit here now and wonder if that was just the pressure getting to me. Even though I am neither quiet nor shy, for the most part I would rather stay outta the spotlight. Recently, since I have seen my face in about 5 local newspapers, I have become a well recognized face.
Even though I am no where near celebrity status, I have found myself being watched, with strangers always approaching me or one of the members of TSC, asking if I was in Miss Turks and Caicos, or if I was the girl that won Miss Regatta and Miss Extravaganza. ALOT of negative comments have been circulating, and alot of rumours have been spread about me.
I must admit that it is starting to affect my performance as of late. Yeah, it is much easier to say not to worry about it, because that is what people do. But on one hand I am hated and on the other hand I feel as if the people that I love are expecting too much from me.
I have even been questioning God, I have to wonder if this is somehow my destiny, win or lose. I still look at the series of events that got me to this place in a state of awe. I have asked him to pass this cup from me. Over the last two days, with alot of keeping to myself and engaged in thought, I awoke this morning thinking "Let not my will, but thine be done."
To whom much is given, much is expected. I have been given 2 crowns so it isn’t too much for people to expect me to do very well in the upcoming pageant. I was even told to do well by the Chief Minister himself.
Yes there are nay sayers as always, but I get my strength from my mom, who I call almost everyday on the brink of tears, and with a few calm words can have bring me from the abyss of hysterics to think calmly and lucidly. My big sister, who remains calm at all times. Asa, my sounding board, my ride, my biggest fan (according to him), my pillar of strength in my weakest hours. My bestest friend Carter, who was there to argue with me at every turn and even through my bull headedness, managed to change my mind about alot of things. Adrain, forever a supporter of me and my baldness. The rest of TSC, Christian and Angelica for allowing me time away from all this pageantry and just let me be me. Miss Chrys would had better bring her ass from GT for this fore I don’t stab her in her good knee! And my whole fam, who supported me from the first loss to the last crown.