$#!+ My Husband Says

Hahahahaha!

So here we are having a late night Yahoo! convo and he starts talking about how he doesn’t like peanut butter but it is a good source of protein so he eats it. Then he veers off and says:

“THAT WORD PROTEIN IS A NEXT ONE THEM RULE CONTRADICTIONS…”I BEFORE “E”EXCEPT AFTER C.” LYING MOTHER FCKERS”

Hahaha so I am dying! I gotta love him!

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Oh Semester’s End, Wherefore Art Thou?

School is taking FOREVER to close! These 10 days are dragging by so slowly, especially since I gotta be awake for the majority of it to get all of these my last assignments out. I went to bed at 7:25am yesterday morning and I had to go to a class at 10. But I am never able to fully rest properly because my brain doesn’t turn off.

BRAIN, WHY U NO LET ME SLEEP?

I really just want to take a break from all of the stress of school and the stress of being away from my lover and the stress of sleepness nights, and long days.

I AM READY FOR THIS SEMESTER TO BE OVER! I want to go home!!

Frito Lay Potato Chips are the Fat Inducing Devils!

I bought this mega bag of Frito Lay potato chips on Saturday against my better judgement. I of course thought that I would be able to control myself and I would be able to just have one bag of chips every now and then over the course of the month.

Boy was I wrong!!

Frito Lay Fat Inducers

Its only Wednesday and I have nearly demolished the entire bag of 22 of those delicious bags of fried crunchy potato goodness. How was I to know that it was impossible to eat just one of those teeny tiny bags?? Its like JUST when you are getting into just how good they are you start hitting the bottom of the bag! And then you start to panic cause you guys were just bonding, this relationship can’t be over yet!! Then all of a sudden, just as your breath started catching in your throat in a full scale freak out, you remember the five other chips in the bag in the same flavor! You relax cause you know that this is not the end after all… You guys can start again, start anew!

Then before you realize what you are doing, you look over to see five empty chip bags and immediately the shame starts. Ahh hell… There goes the purpose of that salad you ate today. You know how you were gonna start to eat healthy and only eat those oh so delicious potato chips once a week on Saturdays?

So you kick the empty bags under the bed and you start to feel better. And then the craving starts again. I mean you are already on your way to one more belly roll anyways, so what’s the harm in eating another one?? May as well make sure that this belly roll is all that it can be. There is no sense in going half assed. So you lick you cheese encrusted fingers in satisfaction…

All I know is, I blame Pretty Boy for letting me buy them. He knows better!

PS OHHHHHHHHHHMIGOD! WHO KNEW THAT SPICY CHEETOS WOULD TASTE THAT GOOD!

 

From The Pages of Cosmo (In Honor of my Lover Touching Down in Nassau Tomorrow.)

I’m gonna get laid… SO yeah… I’m going here! If u are a prude I suggest you avert your eyes!

 

 

Her Secret Sex Fantasies

Newsflash, men: Your girlfriend has a very naughty inner life. Here’s how to become a part of it.

Read more: How To Satisfy A Woman In Bed – Women Sexual Fantasies – Cosmopolitan

In the August issue of Cosmo, we revealed the meaning behind three common secret sex fantasies that women have. But here’s the thing: This kind of advanced nookie is not a solo sport. The next time you’re talking secret sex cravings with your girlfriend, here’s how to turn her wildest fantasies into tantalizing reality.

Her Fantasy: Doing It In Public
She likes the idea of the public no-pants dance because it’s a form of rebellion. Women don’t often break the rules, so acting out in such a sexually charged way can be a massive rush.
Make It Reality: Go in for some semi-public fondling
Run your fingers up her thigh and under her skirt (under the table!) when you’re at dinner in a restaurant, or take her hand and press it against your package if you’re feeling frisky at the movies. No need to take it any further than that—just letting her know how riled up you are can prime her for some amazing sex when you get home.

Her Fantasy: Being Dominated
When you restrain her, it means she has permission to experience pleasure without having to worry about being “good” in bed or returning the favor (at least for the moment). It’s also enormously erotic knowing that your whole attention is focused on her.
Make It Reality: Tell her what to do
If she’s expressed interest in being dominated and you’ve talked about it in advance, the next time you’re hooking up and she reaches to caress you, remove her hand from your body, pin it above her head and tell her she can’t touch you until you say so. If she seems into it, get a little feistier—grab a tie or a scarf and bind her wrists to the bedframe, and then make her beg for you to kiss her (or do other things).

Her Fantasy: Getting It On With a Stranger
Sound familiar? Women and men can both feel drawn to anonymous sex, which feels completely free of the mundane, day-to-day aspects of more serious relationships.
Make It Reality: Pretend to be strangers
Unless you guys are in an open or semi-open relationship, you and your girlfriend probably aren’t cool with allowing third parties into the fold. But that doesn’t mean you can’t change up the dynamic between the two of you. Head to a bar, and pretend that you’re strangers and you’re picking her up. Then continue to stay in character back home.

Xo,
Carolyn

Read more: How To Satisfy A Woman In Bed – Women Sexual Fantasies – Cosmopolitan

“True love doesn’t mean being inseparable; it means being separated and nothing changes.”

“Some people search for their entire lives for what we have and never find it. I won’t give up. I’ll fight for you.” 

I miss my lover!

Oh God, why does this long distance thing seem SO much harder than I remember? I can’t sleep without hearing the pounding of his heart as I lay on his chest. Or without touching him with my foot. Or without knowing that if the power goes out or if I hear funny noises or if we’re in the middle of a thunderstorm that he’ll be there to hold me in his arms- even if they fall asleep.

I miss the smell of him, and the feel of him, and the taste of him, things that Skype can in no way, shape or form deliver. I miss him waking me up with a kiss in morning when he gets off his night shift, even though I only fell asleep only an hour before. And I miss him contouring to my body like a puzzle piece that fits.

I miss sitting up til the crack of dawn, sometimes just in comfortable silence, yet somehow more content than I could ever be with conversation. I miss the opportunity to wake up in the morning to a bowl of cheese grits with some eggs and bacon, in bed. I miss going to the kitchen at 4 in the morning to cook some jerk pork chops, and have him be right there to eat it with me.

Its only been two days and I mourn for my shelved life, my real life. My heart aches and longs for the comfort of my best friend, the touch of my lover and the love shared with my husband!

I miss my lover!

The very beat of my heart

School Break Already??

I am back in Freeport!! Wait, wait, before you start judging and wondering how come I didn’t stick it out and call me all kinda bad names (BLEE I see u) let me explain.

There is a hurricane coming.

Yup.

I lived through the horrors of Hurricane Frances in 2004 and through Ike and Hanna in 2008 (or was it 2009, hmmm) and I have NO plans on braving hurricane force winds and long power outages and water interruptions alone and without the comfort of my family and my Pretty Boy.

If I must suffer, I want to suffer with those that love me most. So here I am. Back home, a mere *counts fingers* 2 3/4 days after I left, right back where I started. Sigh. Who knew this evil Irene character would send me packing so quickly?

But I should be back in the bullet/dengue capital by Sunday, all bright eyed, bushy tailed for Monday.